Hope Deferred

on-Eagles-wings“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, 
    but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12

Uh-oh. That must mean that I’m having one of those days. Yep. I am. Last week I started worrying about what I would do if I couldn’t get a bar loan. A bar loan is a loan that law students take out to pay for a bar course and to support themselves while studying for the bar. Bar study takes 40-50 hours a week for five weeks and then 50-60 hours a week for four weeks. So, it’s a full-time job. The courses themselves are also expensive – $2000 to $5000 or so (depending upon the course and the state). So, for many people a bar loan is necessary. At least for me. I have bills and I don’t have anyone to support me.

So, I applied yesterday. Yeppers, I got turned down. Unless I could find a cosigner. That is probably not going to happen. So, I guess I won’t take the bar this summer. I’ll get a job and I’ll save and I’ll take the bar in February. So my hope is deferred. Not forever, just for a long minute of time.

I think I knew it would happen this way too. Since this semester started I’ve been mildly depressed. Last week it really hit me that this could happen. I’ve been trying to prepay all my bills, but I just can’t seem to get enough ahead to make the difference. So this week, I decided to take the bull by the horns and just face my demons (or the loan officers). But at least now I can grieve the loss of this dream for the moment and start making a new one. I am a survivor.  I survived abusive parents. I survived being kidnapped and raped. I survived drug addiction. I survived . . . So I’m sure I can survive a 7 month postponement of taking that bar. Geez. What’s a few months. 

When this first happened I cried. A decent amount. Not the biggest cry I’ve ever had, but a good one. Several times. Then I sucked it up and started considering all my options. Well, I can get a job in law and save money. I can get more legal experience this way. I will have a leg up on 2L’s looking for a job and I will not be competing with tons of 3L’s. I will be in a category all my own.  Bar study is a bit shorter if a person takes the February Bar. So I began to see the silver lining.

But then, a friend said she’d sign. And she still might, but that day didn’t work for her. So who knows if she will or not. I didn’t cry that time though – I can see that it’ll be good either way. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28). See, I truly believe this. I believe God loves me and wants the best for me. Sometimes He says no, sometimes he says yes, and sometimes he says wait. This is a wait.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11). So He wants to give me a future. He’s just telling me to hope a little longer. I could try and force it now, but when you force things, you’re not in His will, but in your own. In fact, there is a verse just for this “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31.

Selah.

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About michellerap

Today I find my identity in God. I use to find my identity in externals, like motherhood, being a lawyer, etc. But that's not who I am. I am redeemed and wholly loved and precious in His sight. First and foremost, this is who I am. The other things are part of me, but they do not define me. God does. My job as a Christian is not to judge people but to show them the heart and hands of Christ. I am to show mercy and grace. And someday, when I am an attorney, I hope I can help those God puts in my path to find justice. I am a mother of four and a grandmother of nine. I am proud of each of them. I also have three dogs. I am lawyer who loves what I do. I am also Gluten-Free and any recipe I publish is GF. It's the only way I cook.
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