Trust In the Throes of Despair

Today has been an awful day. I had hoped for something for months and months and months, and today my hopes were dashed upon the rocks. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12. First of all, I can’t share with you what I’m talking about, because it’s not about me. Let’s just say, I am devastated. Which means someone else is even more devastated. I posted on Facebook that my heart hurt; it did; it does.

So I did what a normal person would do (I think). I called a friend or two (okay three, but who’s counting). I cooked (okay, that’s a woman thing, but I cooked a lot). I cried (more than once). I even had to pull my car over to the side of the road to cry once. I also cussed. And I asked God to curse my enemies. I reminded him of David in the Bible. Specifically Psalm 109:1-15

“My God, whom I praise,
do not remain silent,
for people who are wicked and deceitful
have opened their mouths against me;
they have spoken against me with lying tongues.
With words of hatred they surround me;
they attack me without cause.
In return for my friendship they accuse me,
but I am a man of prayer.
They repay me evil for good,
and hatred for my friendship.

Appoint someone evil to oppose my enemy;
let an accuser stand at his right hand.
When he is tried, let him be found guilty,
and may his prayers condemn him.
May his days be few;
may another take his place of leadership.
May his children be fatherless
and his wife a widow.
10 May his children be wandering beggars;
may they be driven[a] from their ruined homes.
11 May a creditor seize all he has;
may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.
12 May no one extend kindness to him
or take pity on his fatherless children.
13 May his descendants be cut off,
their names blotted out from the next generation.
14 May the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the Lord;
may the sin of his mother never be blotted out.
15 May their sins always remain before the Lord,
that he may blot out their name from the earth.”

So can you say I was a wee bit angry. Yep, you can. I’m not denying. I was cursing my enemy. And that’s okay. For today. Maybe even for tomorrow. But I know that’s not where I’m going to stay. First of all, hatred only hurts me. Anger only hurts me. Let’s be real here. That is dumb. God has taught me way better than that. Psalm 37:8-9 says “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret —it leads only to evil. For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.”

So, if I dwell in my anger, I am being evil. If I return to hoping in the Lord, I will inherit the land. But what a minute, EVIL prevailed today. And sometimes it does for a long time. Sometimes there are many, many tears.

But God says to trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 says ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” I am to submit to Him and He will work it out. But wait – we all know someone evil who has prevailed and someone righteous that has not. What happens when bad things happen to good people.

I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter. What matters is the trust. God does not say to trust Him in the good times or the bad times or the so-so times. He says to trust. The LOVE chapter (1 Corinthians 13:40-8) says “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

So, if I love God, I will trust Him. Hey wait a minute, I thought this is what God did for me, not the other way around. Isn’t God suppose to love me? Isn’t God suppose to – – – Whoops, no, I’m suppose to love God. I’m suppose to trust Him, that He loves me and those I love and it will work for the glory of God.  I also know that my suffering are nothing compared to His. Romans 8:18 says “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

In other words, our suffering is worth it. Well, it sure doesn’t feel like it today. But God promised in Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose.” This will work for good. I don’t know how, but it will.

God reminded me today of how when one of my dearest hopes was dashed that He used it for my good. I am in law school today because He allowed a hope to be dashed. I thought I wanted something else, but this is so much better. I don’t know how or when God will rectify this travesty that took place today, but I KNOW HE WILL.

In Joel 2:25 God says “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.” Wait, He’s going to make it all work out. The lost years won’t really be lost, IF WE TRUST HIM. Jeremiah 29:11-14 says “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.1Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Wait. Do you see the promise. If, when we are slaves to the world, to sin, IF we seek with our entire heart, He will bring us back from captivity. Okay, that means that instead of cursing my enemy, my job, AT THIS MOMENT, is to seek the face of God. Even if I’m angry, but I’m face-to-face with Him,  He will restore me and those years. I don’t know how this will play out, I only know I am to seek Him.



About michellerap

Today I find my identity in God. I use to find my identity in externals, like motherhood, being a lawyer, etc. But that's not who I am. I am redeemed and wholly loved and precious in His sight. First and foremost, this is who I am. The other things are part of me, but they do not define me. God does. My job as a Christian is not to judge people but to show them the heart and hands of Christ. I am to show mercy and grace. And someday, when I am an attorney, I hope I can help those God puts in my path to find justice. I am a mother of four and a grandmother of nine. I am proud of each of them. I also have three dogs. I am lawyer who loves what I do. I am also Gluten-Free and any recipe I publish is GF. It's the only way I cook.
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1 Response to Trust In the Throes of Despair

  1. Terry Reed says:

    Amen! We don’t see anything but the path immediately in front of us. But God sees the entire road and sees to it that the rewards outweigh the bumps and pot holes (and there are some BIG pot holes along the way). God bless!

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