Choices

I am missing my grandchildren today. I realized how much I have missed for my dream. But, all-in-all, I’d do it again. I believe this is what God has called me to do. And my children and grandchildren will learn more from watching me go after my dream than they would if I’d stay’d by their side and watched them grow. Life is a series of choices. We make them everyday. Just make sure that the pros outweigh the cons.

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? ” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”” (Isaiah 6:8)

After I wrote this I thought about how people have sacrificed throughout time for their calling. Missionaries sacrifice home and comforts for seeking the lost.  I guess I am sacrificing home also for my calling. I knew when I drove from Fayetteville that day in August, 2010, I would never call Fayetteville home again. God had called me to be a voice for Him in people’s lives.

Have you ever wondered why I went to law school? I think I’m ready to share my journey to law school. A close member of my family was mentally ill and received a ticket for littering a banana peel in a small, Arkansas town. I went with this person to court and tried to explain that this person was mentally ill, and needed to have an attorney appointed. The judge said no, because it was a misdemeanor. I knew that to be wrong, but I wasn’t an attorney so I couldn’t be the voice for this person. I saw the prosecutor, who had been told the situation, and the judge, act like badly. They had this poor person so befuddled and upset and feeling small. That day, I left court vowing to be a voice for people like him.

Then I read an article about the children of undocumented workers, are held in a shelters until they are deported. They are entitled to an attorney if they can afford one, but very few have access to money. (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6469224)

So, with all of this, I knew I was going to law school. I believed then, and believe now, that God had ordained my steps. But He wasn’t done making sure I knew it.

He sent me off to Oklahoma (when I saw my acceptance email I said ‘”God – Oklahoma! What are You thinking!” But I can see His hand in this. Close enough to run home to see my family, far enough away that they don’t get in the way of my studies. Perfect. But Oklahoma (no, I’m teasing, I have grown to love Oklahoma. Wherever God has directed me, that is home.)

But then I started my 1L year. I was like a deer in the headlights. Studying was awful. Classes were awful. The people were awful. I remember in November just crying out to God. I hated law school. I sat down with my Bible, let it fall where it would, and put my finger down. Whoops. I had my answer. My finger fell on Proverbs 31:8-9. Wait – this is the chapter on the virtuous woman. No, there are verses before that and they applied to me.

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.  Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” (Proverbs 31:8-9)

I knew then, again, I was where I should be. I no longer hate law school. I embrace it and enjoy it, because it is a step on my journey to my calling. It’s not easy, but it is right.

I have also printed those words verses and have them in a frame on my desk. Whenever I question my calling, I remember the words God gave me. Yes, I miss my family. But I know I am in the center of God’s will for my life. That’s the very best place to be.

Selah.

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About michellerap

Today I find my identity in God. I use to find my identity in externals, like motherhood, being a lawyer, etc. But that's not who I am. I am redeemed and wholly loved and precious in His sight. First and foremost, this is who I am. The other things are part of me, but they do not define me. God does. My job as a Christian is not to judge people but to show them the heart and hands of Christ. I am to show mercy and grace. And someday, when I am an attorney, I hope I can help those God puts in my path to find justice. I am a mother of four and a grandmother of nine. I am proud of each of them. I also have three dogs. I am lawyer who loves what I do. I am also Gluten-Free and any recipe I publish is GF. It's the only way I cook.
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One Response to Choices

  1. Terry Reed says:

    Michelle: I understand exactly what you mean. I left NW Arkansas 25 years ago for the Delta. I did not know at the time it would be my permanent home, but now I do. People have told me that since I have an earned doctorate I should “move up” to a bigger church. But the small churches in the depressed Delta need help too, so here I am. On the pros and cons you mentioned, I recall a preacher friend of mine telling me of a decision he had made to leave where he was. He said if you laid it out there were more pros for staying and cons for leaving. But there was just one thing–God was leading him to go. So the pros didn’t matter. I have watched God use him in ways that could not have happened if he had stayed. God bless you my sister

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